live life for the sake of living

WE GOT SNOWS. 8D

The first official post where I practice my Russian. Depending on my mood/work load, you guys might start seeing a lot of these. :3

Я знаю англиский. Я говорю по-англиский. Я очень хорошо говорю по-англиский.
Ты живёшь в большом или маленьком городе?

It's supposed to say:
I know English. I speak English. I speak English very well.
Do you live in a big or small city?

We've been learning some new verbs and today we did prepositional cases of adjectives...or something like that. xD I'm less certain about the second sentence, mainly spelling and the placement of в, but it might be fine. o 3o

I'll check in the book later, but it'd defeat the purpose of practice if I was looking now. D;

If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

BRAINS!

I got 56.4220183486239% on the Ultimate Zombie Apocalypse Survival Quiz! Not bad! You ranked somewhere in the middle. You could do worse, but then again you could do better. Now might be a good time to buy a machete and stock up on canned foods... Take the quiz! quiz created by elis and adam.

Clearly my chances of survival are iffy D: (

I need to find a new outlet for all my whiny moments. As soon as I find another Jack Skellington diary...I knew I shoulda bought two. D:

Anywho...my dreams are starting to freak me out. The "predicting" aspect of them is becoming more apparent every day. The most recent one I remember basically left me feeling like I'd been abandoned by people I actually care about for games, and forgotten about. It was a horrible feeling, especially for just waking up from the dream. Then later on, think it was possibly that same day, there was a particular point that night I just felt rather crummy, and the situation was similar to the one in the dream. And it wasn't the first dream I had to do that to me.

It's like I'm being told through my dreams how I'm going to feel later on IRL. I usually just write them off as my inner self being silly, but it's rather unnerving to realize that I'm not okay, and probably won't be until I actually resolve my deeper issues, which I clearly failed at doing on my own.

Think I've said it before, but this new issue piled onto all the other annoyances I've made for myself is starting to make me seriously consider getting professional "consultation." But I'd really rather not go that route at least until I'm making money. They probably charge tons just to listen to ya babble...and give their "professional opinion." Ugh. I never feel like I'm getting helped when I see a doctor; I just feel like I'm getting violated. Especially when it's the ones who insist you undress so they can touch you. >.>;;

..I'm fucking afraid of having to share a room with some chick? Of going off to college and being miserable, and being fucking stuck there? Of not fulfilling my wishes?

Every night I go to bed thinking how awesome it would be if I could win the $100mil+ lottery. How set I'd be. How simple life would be. Am I just looking for an easy way out?

I'm actually physically sickened by the college's orientation program. It's making MCA's orientation look nice! I just fail to understand how forcing a bunch of people who don't know each other to be around each other for two fucking days (staying overnight) is a good idea. I'm sure most people will just go along with it. I don't think I'd be half as upset as I am if:

1. I didn't have to pay to attend
2. I wasn't required to spend the night
3. I wasn't required to attend all the activities

They have various other things going on besides the usual registration and explanation process, such as parties (involving a pool), that I just do not give a shit about. I'm not a party girl and I'm not about to become one. I don't even own a bathing suit, not to mention the fact I can't swim, and apparently I'm required to attend a pool party? Yeah, I'm not going anywhere near a damn pool unless there's a giant fence around it.

Please let me be bitching for no reason. Let me get there and find out I can chill in whatever room they shove me in.

Anywho I'm hoping that if I can't get a single, I can shack up with my friend who'll be in a dorm there (for just the summer, I think). Cause if I gotta be stuck in a room with another girl, I'd like it if it was her. She's neat and not loud. I would absolutely hate to be stuck in a room with a party animal and a complete slob Dx

I know I sound uber anti-new experiences in this post, but I am trying. But it's like they peeked into my head and decided to throw things at me that I just absolutely cannot fucking stand.

And what's up with foundation classes? Sometimes I get the feeling all the stuff I learned in high school was useless. Why can't I just take exactly all the classes I want to? I mean, damn. I am paying thousands of bucks for them. I'm not doing this so I can get a job and make other people happy. I'm doing this cause I like learning and this is actually the easiest way to do so (aside from working a part time job and mooching what I need off my 'rents for a bloody eternity, staring at a computer screen all day trying to make heads or tails of fucking functions!)

What do I want out of this experience? Guidance. Knowledge. A different life. But all to my liking. I'll be the first to admit I'm a control freak and don't like others trying to control me. But a little insight (that's actually helpful and not just people telling me what they want me to do) would be great...here I am, 19, and have no fucking clue how to achieve what I want out of life. I only know I don't want to live on whatever job I do and whatever I do, I need to really REALLY like it. Love it, even. *flails*

I'm starting to not mind my city so much. Even though crime is still high as hell and I'm still afraid that when the big earthquake comes we'll all fall into the river and die. Truth of it is I just don't know anything else and I'm not that eager to move out of the south to a place where, well...where there won't be as many black people XD I guess it's true that "familiar faces" can be more welcoming than "unfamiliar" ones. And I'm sure I've said that in a past entry before Dx I have nothing against any other ethnicities, I just really don't want to be surrounded by a multitude of other.

TENNIS. I've been watching the French Open when I remember to. I even watched some college tennis on tv the other day. It's so exciting! I keep thinking, will the college tennis team let me on? Do I even need to be on a team? I just want to play tennis. I suck hard and it's really difficult to practice my serve in this house's yard (insert even more excuses here). But I really wanna play. And...oh lord! I wish people would stop bitching about Venus's outfits XD She can keep on rockin' her motif.

So...I think I have some goals. I'll try and list them here.

1. Not drop out.
I've already told myself, no matter how bad it may suck, I shouldn't drop out. Just...no. Suck it up and grow a pair.

2. Develop conworld and conlanguages.
So...much...to...do!! I'll never get it done sitting on my ass all day >.>

3. Learn Russian and speak it fluently.
4. Get a steady flow of income.
So I can move the fuck out and stop being so damn dependent. For some simply living on campus is enough, but I say hell to the no. If I'm going to live in this city I'm gonna need to be able to support myself ASAP.
5. Improve my tooling and pixeling skills.
6. Improve my drawing abilities.
7. UPDATE MY DAMN DOLL SITE.
Seriously. I still haven't gotten up commission information and pixel art that should have been up ages ago.
8. Read all the books on my bookshelves that have not been finished/read yet.
So like, at least 50% of what I own, lol.

9. Learn to meditate.
10. Meditate every day.
11. Figure out if I'm actually interested in having romantic relationships with people, or if I just want the touchy-feely bits.
I struggle with this...most people would say that what I'm looking for is similar to friends with benefits (except I refuse to fuck anyone, ever).
12. Learn to dry my hair completely, and learn how to style it in ways that do not involve buns or ponytails. I am ashamed to be this old and not know how to do that.
13. Wash my hair either weekly/biweekly. And then GREASE THAT SHIT.
14. Stop being so damn lazy.
15. Write moar.
16. STOP GOING TO BED AT FUCKING 5 IN THE MORNING. 3 is acceptable >.>;
17. Exercise more, eat less.
I've been eating like five million desserts every day. Oi!

Uhm...yeah, I should probably stop there. Some aren't major and could stand to wait but that's mostly what's been on my mind. Now I'm debating playing some Brawl, playing some FFTA2, listening to music, or going to sleep. Might start one and end with sleeping D;

As I'm starting to get into the idea of going back to school now, I realize that the urges of old are returning to me. I am desperate to get in school, study (cause I hardly -ever- did that), and fucking PAWN everybody else. I guess I'm still upset about letting my class rank drop so much in senior year. If I'd tried I think I could have been salutatorian, and -maybe- even valedictorian. Maybe. I would have settled for 2nd best though. Beats dropping out of the top 20! xD

I'm not even sure how I'll act on these urges. I might be all talk and no action once school actually starts. I might revert to my highschool ways and procrastinate so much I forget to do stuff and thus make unsatisfactory grades. I keep looking back at all the times I slacked off, and see that that slacking off prevented me from doing better. Geez. There is nothing like seeing your potential and knowing you can do better, but doing nothing about it. In any case, I want perfect scores. I want to be the constant over-achiever. There is something immensely fulfilling about beating out everyone else...I cannot deny my competitiveness in the academic area. Even when I was being a lazy asshole in senior year, I was actually working to suppress that competitiveness.

It's just quite difficult. There are two me's. Lazy fatass and wimpy nerd. More complex than that, but it's 4AM. I don't want to get rid of one of us for the sake of another, I want us to work together and become the ass-kicking, money-earning, life-loving duo I think we have the potential to be. I just don't know how to do that. Perhaps it is time to stop assuming nobody will know what the fuck I'm talking about and ask for help?

I'm trying to get everything in my life back on track. In all the time I haven't posted on this thing, I've been in and out of a relationship, and gotten and quit a job. I'm not sure what the latter says about me. It looks bad, though. Now I really don't have a choice but to rectify it. I'm still not doing exactly what everyone else wants me to do, but I definitely need to get a lot more proactive about bringing more money into the house so my 'rents don't have to worry about my various medical and academic needs.

I've got a few ideas aside from taking commissions, they just require a -lot- of work and advertising myself. Both things I certainly need to work on. Maybe I'll make a list. Those are always fun and put things in a clear light for me. Hrm.

~~

I remember in one of my blogs/diaries, ages ago, I wrote I wasn't coming out about being bisexual and atheist until I was out of the house. Well over the years things changed and I am totally out to my immediate family. However, recently my (very religious) grandparents found out I'm atheist. They did exactly what I thought they would - tried to convince me I'm wrong and that I need God in my life. And of course -everyone- in the family loves to bring up pa in the hospital. In my opinion, that is going too far. You don't bring up someone's medical problems to back your opinion and attempt to "prove" something religious to me. You just don't. I'm honestly surprised I didn't get all witty while standing there, but then I've never been very vocal with them. Plus I talk low. xD

Now they wanna talk about my ungodliness but there really isn't anything to talk about. I suppose I should call them one day to kinda put in their minds that there is nothing they can do, as my choosing to be atheist is just that - my choice. They can try to educate me as much as they like, but I am loyal to my beliefs. Just as they are to theirs.

Man. I wonder what they'd say to me if they found out I am bisexual too. Do they need to know? It's not like I'm seeing anyone. Hrmm.

It's been a hella long time since I posted here. >.<
I'm sorry /falls to knees.

I have a lot that's happened but I may/may not post it all. It'd certainly be the biggest wall o' text in history. I think. >.>;

The funny part is as much as I'd have to say about it it's basically all going to come back to one thing....me ranting about how lame the world is. Lol. Or at least the people around me are for expecting me to conform to their standards.

Whatever.

I'm still the same chubbeh one who sits on her bum all day thinking up all manner of things. I'll -have- to give a little more detail in my next few posts. /tired.

I really think I have an addiction to it, in the form of colas >.>;
They're so yummy~! It's not like I drink 5 of 'em in a day, though. I've heard too many horror stories to continue drinking sodas in great abundance D:

*rolls*

I'm so fucking tired of these same old arguments - "You're just a big fat lazy slob who needs to be told when to do everything because you act like a big fat two year old. Therefor we treat you like a two year old. Oh yeah, you sit around the house doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to get things going for yourself, so we keep telling you to do stuff. Aaaaand UR THA KID, U SHUT UP WHEN WE'RE TALKING KTHXBAI."

Please. Just stfu.